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Feb 27 2012
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Communication, General, Personal Development, Personal Growth, Relationships

Change Me, Lord!

Mahatma Ghandi said,

Be the change you want to see in the world.

I would add you must also be the change you want to see on your job, in your family, in your marriage… in all your relationships. I am the only person in any situation that I can control. Yet many mornings I awake asking God to change my situation, or better still, to change the other person, as if they are the only one with a problem.

In the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” the author writes that while the other person can be completely wrong, off base, and most in need of a change in heart, God wants us to focus on who is most willing to change. Willingness to change is what I believe Ghandi was talking about. We are powerless over what others say, think, and feel. But we are in control of ourselves. We don’t always have it together. We get it wrong daily. We very often contribute, even if only in some small way, to the circumstances with which we are most displeased. And the reason we want to ignore all this is because of pride and anger. To admit we are wrong or have in some way contributed to our own displeasure is painful to say the least. It takes a great amount of humility and brokenness to come clean about our own responsibility in the situation. Rarely in any conflict or disagreement is either party completely right or completely wrong. But pride tells us to shift the blame, focus only on our hurt and pain, and play the victim.

I’m guilty of this – allowing my hurts and pains to take control of my life too often. Quite frankly, I can’t recall when this has ever been a good thing. Until I decided to confess and rid myself of the bitterness and resentment in my heart, it was difficult to for the situation to change. In Psalm 66:18,

If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me.

Iniquity is defined as the hidden sins of the heart – the junk we pretend isn’t there but is slowly poisoning us and the people around us. For example, have you ever met a woman who was salty and moody all the time!? Always has something sassy or sarcastic to say. After being in her presence you just feel bad! The Bible calls her a “contentious woman.” A woman like this often has such anger, bitterness, and resentment tucked away in her heart it takes such effort to maintain a relationship with her. The same goes for men. Ever meet a “grumpy old man”? The name says enough.

If I am praying about my situation, but not owning honestly and transparently the part I played in the situation, God says He won’t listen to me. Well, if I can’t fix the other person, let alone myself, I need God to hear every righteous request I make.

The truth is no one is without need to change. We can always improve and become more Christ-like. The Bible reminds us that we are being perfected until the day Jesus returns. So it’s pretty haughty to proclaim that we are never to blame. We are to be reconcilers of the breeches in our relationships, and whoever is the most mature is supposed to take the lead.

Here are some simple ways to take the lead for positive change in your relationships:

  1. Accept the reality that you could be wrong. Face it, God never promised that you would be Ms. Wonderful all the time. Contrary to popular belief, you just don’t know it all. Mature women own when they are wrong, apologize sincerely, and make the necessary changes.
  2. Yield and submit to God’s plan for change in your life. The situations we face are not always the enemy fighting us. God uses all situations to bring us to a point of maturity. Be willing to allow God to show you yourself through every trial. Truth doesn’t always feel good, but mature people are willing to face it no matter how much it hurts.
  3. Exercise wisdom and make realistic decisions that are best for you. The Serenity Prayer says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.” The only one that can change the heart of a person is God. If you are married to or dating a “project,” STOP IT!!!! It’s prideful and insane to believe your love is so good that it can change another person’s will and desires. People will always do what they want to do, not what you want to them to do… don’t you?
  4. Show grace to others, as God has shown grace to you. Grace gives us the space we need to grow and mature. It prevents us from being condemned every time we sin. God’s mercy has kept us all from the true punishment of sin, death! If God spared you from death from some of the most heinous acts in your life, why can’t you spare someone else from your personal wrath over a disagreement? Every battle is the Lord’s not yours.
  5. Commit your concerns to prayer. The prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective. (James 5:16) Prayer changes things. Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8) The battles of your life will always be won on your knees before you see the manifestation in your life.

The best thing any person can do for their relationship or situation is become the healthiest self they can. When everyone is striving to be their best and to become more loving toward others, who loses? My question to you is: Are you willing to be the change you want to see in your life?

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Feb 14 2011
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Personal Development, Relationships, Spiritual Growth

Working It Out: What is Love?

A Valentine for my Wife

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In light of today being Valentine’s Day, I started thinking about what it truly means to love.  Of course the Daily Bible Verse for this morning was none other than 1 Corinthians 13: 4:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. – 1 Corinthians 13:4

While reflecting on these words, I recalled some conversations I have had with friends that when it comes to relationships, marriage in particular, you just “work it out.”  Well, I think most people mean well when they use this phrase but they fail to fully understand what “working it out” truly means.  God places high standards on love; and rightly so, He is the essence of love.  He so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son.  Jesus so loved us that He died so we might have life.   The operative words are”give” and “die.”  You see to truly love is to give of yourself and die to your own selfish desires in defference to the other person.  And in theory the idea of laying down a life seems so heroic and romantic, but the likelihood of you dying for a spouse, bf/gf, or even friend, is not as high as we would probably imagine. 

In relationships, regardless of the level of romance or lack thereof, “working it out” most times means sacrificing ourselves on a daily basis.  That is being patient when your disappointed, reevaluating your expectations, not getting angry when you don’t get your way, not holding grudges, or apologizing rather than engaging pride - certainly, not as glamorous as jumping in front of a bullet to protect your loved one.  These are the mechanisms we used all our lives when we wanted to hurt others or at least let them know we take displeasure with what they have done, and they can be difficult to give up if in our heart of hearts we really don’t want to love God. 

” Working it out,” rather, is a decentralization of who you are, and an acceptance that to make relationships work, fighting for what I want is no longer my chief goal.

The old addage, “There’s no I in TEAM,” seems applicable here.  I learned in a marriage counseling class that husbands and wives are to be a united front.  That is once a decision is made everyone supports it publicly, even if all parties are not in agreement.  For example, husband wants new car, wife does not.  Husband buys new car.  Mother-in-law calls to inquire about the new car, and wife should say, “yes, we did purchase a new vehicle,” NOT “yes, Henry wanted it but I didn’t think it was a good idea in the first place and I don’t know how we are going to pay for it.”

In all relationships, to love is to do what is best for the group.  The importance of the individual becomes secondary.  In fact, if everyone in the relationship is operating under the unction of the holy spirit and desires to love and glorify God in every area of their lives, the needs and desires of the individuals will ultimately be met.  God is the one responsible for providing for our needs, and he uses those that we are in relationship with to meet some of those needs.  But what a tragedy it is to be involved with a person, or even more tragic to be that person, that refuses to come alongside God to help implement His will for the person you say you love. 

It’s a give and take.  And the more of a lover you are, the more you are willing to give to the other person instead of yourself.  It’s not just about providing for the basic needs of life (food, clothing, shelter), it is also about providing for the spiritual and emotional needs of others.  And if you are married, this also include the sexual needs of the other person, even when they are not quite consisten with your own need and desire.

We never quite know how selfish we are until we are in intimate proximity to another person.  We many times will get angry when the other person calls us on our stuff because to the rest of the world we have been Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful.  We can mask and put on a great show for the world to see, but at home with the shoes come off, the tie gets undone, and we wash off the makeup, we are an altogether different person.  We fail to realize that the people at work, casual friends, and even most relatives, don’t have to try to “work out” the details of life with us while trying to navigate our idiosyncracies, mood swings, selfishness, and sometimes just plain nastiness.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, take some time to truly evaluate what the Bible says about love.   Compare what you do and what your loved ones say about you to what the scripture defines as a lover.  And if you find that your behavior and attitude don’t line up don’t get upset, simply repent to God, confess to your loved ones (honestly and transparently), and commit to making the changes necessary to become a better lover.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

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Feb 09 2011
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Dating/Romance, Relationships, Spiritual Growth

Let the Glue Dry

Model Airplane; 3dx

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I had an awesome conversation last night with one of my pageant sisters (yes, for those that didn’t know I was bitten by the Miss America bug for a while…!)  Anyway… We were talking about patience and waiting on the Lord to work out relationships in our lives.  I had shared how I kept allowing my emotions and expectations get the best of me – imagining and fantisizing in my mind how God is going to work out my situation, yet in the process taking matters into my own hands.  And by taking matters into my own hands, I really made a mess of things. 

In response, she shared an anology that her husband offered once.  She said, it’s like building a model airplane.  You can have all the instructions.  You can have a clear picture of what it is supposed to look like.  But if you rush and don’t allow the glue to dry, it will just fall apart before it is completed.

Lately, I’ve experienced great anxiety about a particular relationship and not waiting patiently on what the Lord would do.  Rather than allowing the glue to dry for the time recommended by the instructions, I’ve been touching it again and again just to see if it’s ready yet.   And I wonder why it looks wonky?! 

Have you ever kept touching a relationship and wondered why it wasn’t working?  Rushing into the things?  Getting emotionally involved too soon?  Allowing physical desires to run rampant?  Friendship is the foundation every relationship is built on.  But if you don’t let the glue on the friendship dry, when you try to move it to the next level, it will utterly fall apart. 

To my demise, I’m needy and impatient.  I will take a small glimmer of hope and turn it into a lifetime of promise.  The only promise God has given is that He will perfect the things that concern me.  That does not mean this relationship will work out.  However, it does mean that what God ordains will come to fruition if I step aside.  If I want to glorify God, I must step out of the way and let Him do what only He can do.

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Feb 03 2011
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Christianity, Personal Development, Relationships, Spiritual Growth

Revelation of the Day – 2/3/11

I realized today that being and staying in God‘s will is not always a walk in the park. To remain in the will of God requires hardship, sacrifice, diligence, disappointment, and just overall death to the flesh. Even situations we believe to be the will of God, do not come without their challenges particularly because as humans we can easily get distracted and frustrate the will of God. Our issues, emotions, lack of wisdom, misconceptions, poor communication skills, and plain stubbornness can really throw us off track and out of God’s will.

It is a willingness of heart, and commitment to God that pushes us to keep trying. When we fall out of step with God, we must catch ourselves and fall back in line. Thank goodness for his promise in Isaiah 55:

Isa 55:8-11 KJV For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. (9) For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (10) For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: (11) So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Praise God for His faithfulness and sovereignty!  All things work together for good; to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

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Jul 29 2010
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Dating/Romance, Personal Development, Relationships

Dating… I haven’t a Clue of What I’m Doing!

There’s a song from my childhood that goes, “You. You got what I need. But you say he’s just a friend, but you say he’s just a friend… ”

How many times we have said “Oh so and so, is just a friend,” but what we really meant deep down is “So and so is more than a just a “friend” but we just haven’t put a public title on it yet.” And depending on where you are in your walk with God, friendship can encompass a number of moral and not so moral things. Hugging, cuddling, long intimate conversations, sex (even if it’s not intercourse, there is so much else we can do!), holding hands, making out… the list goes on and on.

In a society pervasive with sexual messages about dating, it’s no wonder we get so caught up in this idealistic notion that romantic and sexual relationships are the epitome of the relational dynamics that should exist between men and women. Beginning as young as 9 years old, children and teens are eager to begin dating and experiencing the opposite sex in ways that even some adults are still trying to learn. We have been robbed by the very enemy of our souls of the value and benefit of learning to develop and maintain Godly friendships. Damaged emotions, underdeveloped boundaries, and skewed perceptions of reality, leave us standing with broken pieces of our hearts after yet again another broken relationship.

We tried to give it our best shot. We prayed. We asked God to bless it. We even tried to do the right thing, like go to church and read our Bibles together. We got a long. We could talk for hours. We both loved God! We thought it was for sure God’s will! But months, sometimes only weeks later, we recognize that all shiny new cars eventually begin to show the dents and scratches of just everyday use. And what we once thought was so wonderful and perfect we came to see had its own inherent flaws and defects. We determine that person cannot complete us or fulfill our every need, because like us, they have a fallen and sinful nature that rears its ugly head.

The reality is this process is true for every relationship! It never fails. When the honeymoon is over, getting down to business means showing up every day and dealing with the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. It is at that point the true test of the relationship begins. If you are truly friends with this person, you can weather these storms (which are surely to come, don’t get it twisted!) with grace and poise because the foundation for the romance is built on a Godly premise that gets too little regard in today’s churches, let alone society at large.

The purpose of me writing this blog series is to share some insight into dating as a Christian. What makes this unique is that unlike many books on special topics, I do not profess to have followed my own advice and as a result have enjoyed a whirlwind of success in the area of love and dating. In fact, quite the opposite is true. The following posts will be filled with true stories (though the names have been changed to protect the guilty…J) that demonstrate not exactly what to do when dating, but rather certainly what not to do.

My method and rationale for this concept came from a Starbucks conversation I had with a girlfriend a few months ago about where to find dating advice. She and I were sipping on our frappucinos so desperately trying to understand how we constantly get ourselves into these predicaments with dating that illicit more drama than any daytime soap opera. We concluded that no one really ever taught us what to do. In fact, from our collection of experiences, we learned more of what not to do in dating than anything else! Sad but true. So the idea was born that with imperfections, mistakes, and in some areas absolute clueslessness about love – true, divine, agape love – this endeavor to understand God’s plan for men and women and this process called dating would be undertaken. Little did I know the start of this would come on the very heels of another dating mishap of my own? I thought for certain that this time I’d get it right… sorry not so much! L

The Lord has been dealing with my heart and challenging my understanding about Him and his design for this thing that tends to happen between men and women called “love.” So as I attempt to heal, draw closer to Him in prayer, I hope to share some of the practical advice and insight I receive from the living word of God. I really can’t go wrong can I? I pray that the Lord will use me to speak His truth and to shed some light on how we can press forward toward becoming better men and women. I look forward to and encourage feedback. Who knows one day I may be able to put this collection of blog posts into a format that will last for generations. Until then, my rants and vents about life will just have to appear in electronic form. To God be the glory… Amen!

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Jul 26 2010
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Personal Development, Personal Growth, Relationships

But That’s Just Who I Am

Have you ever said to someone after they confronted you about something you did, “…but that’s just who I am.”

We sometimes become so defensive and protective of “who we are” that we forget most of “who we are” is inherently evil in the sight of God. Matthew 15:19 says “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” The heart is the center of our personality and character and out of it too easily springs sarcasm, inappropriate conversation, abusive comments, perverse humor, etc… the list goes on. However, we have a tendency to protect what we deem as inherent to our personality and character because we feel it’s who God made us to be. We couldn’t be further from the truth!

Our hearts were never designed to transgress any of God’s law, but they do daily. Because sin entered into the heart we became corrupt at the very core of our personalities and characters. Paul says in Romans 7:18, “For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing.” And without the Holy Spirit at work in us the battle is lost before words and thoughts from our hearts can ever be put into action. Purity is not born in us; it must be created in us through the work of God’s hand in our lives.

Oswald Chambers wrote: The Account of Purity

We begin by trusting our ignorance and calling it innocence, by trusting our innocence and calling it purity; and when we hear these rugged statements of Our Lord’s, we shrink and say – But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart. We resent what Jesus Christ reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme Authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust His penetration, or do I prefer to trust my innocent ignorance? IF I make conscious innocence the test, I am likely to come to a place where I find with a shuddering awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I shall be appalled at the possibility of evil and wrong in me.

Ignorance is not innocence and innocence is not purity. Purity is a direct result allowing God to purge us with hyssop and create within us a clean heart and right spirit. And that doesn’t come without a price. We don’t see our humor, our way of thinking, our drive-by comments, as the evil that springs from the heart. And when others get offended by what we say and do, we often get angry, defensive, and offended because people told the truth about what came out of our hearts. We deflect, create diversions, hide, cover, and lie just to escape the pain of truth. Truth doesn’t always make us look or feel good. But just because we try to avoid facing truth doesn’t mean it goes away. We can pull the covers over our heads for a time, but when we come out truth will be waiting for us at the foot of the bed.

The issues of our evil hearts don’t have to overshadow who we become as new creatures in Christ. What if we took the challenges to examine our hearts as opportunities for God to draw us closer to Himself? What if we sought after purifying our hearts so that we can reach a new level of holy and righteous living? Our ministries would be stronger. Our relationships would be more peaceful. We would be wiser.

We are who we are, but is that who God wants us to be?

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Nov 14 2009
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Personal Development, Relationships, Spiritual Growth

Are you a Carrot, an Egg or Coffee Bean?

By Author Unknown

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first pot, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?” “Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take the egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to smell and sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she smelled and tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What’s the point, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water-but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When trials and adversity knock on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a passive heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside, am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or, am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you become better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity?
Like the CARROT, the EGG, OR the COFFEE BEAN?

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